Friday, January 31, 2014

Baby's Definitive Guide to Driving Mommy Crazy...Feeding in public

1. Wait until Mommy takes you into a public place. Score more points the more public it is.

2. Smack your lips greedily. Root anything and everything you see, including the stroller. Score extra points for sticking your entire fist in your mouth. Act as if you haven't eaten in twenty-four hours even though Mommy just fed you thirty minutes ago.

3. Begin with a whine. Work your way up to a full blown OMG-My-Cruel-Mother-Is-Starving-Me scream.

4. Be careful not to grin when an embarrassed Mommy picks you up and adjusts her dress to feed you in public.

5. Do NOT take the exposed nipple directly into your mouth. Sniff it to make sure the right Mommy is offering you her breast. (Just in case, you never know.)

6. Lick around the nipple. We all know that dry nipples are not as fun as wet nipples.

7. Take the nipple into your mouth for a taste test. Roll it between your tongue. Swirl it in your mouth. Spit it out. (All good wine tasters do this, so why not a baby?)

8. Repeat steps 5 through 7 at least three times while Mommy pleads with you to start nursing.

9. By now, the stimulation should have caused Mommy's breast to let down. Milk should be dripping. If not, repeat steps 5 through 7.

10. Take a quick peek. Score points if Mommy's face is red with embarrassment. Score extra points if people are quietly chuckling with amusement.

11. Give the breast a final critical sniff. Put your mouth close to it, but do not latch on (since that was never the point of this exercise anyway.)

12. Close your eyes.

13. Snore.

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